Fargile Heart Chapter 10 – Healing and Recovery

Chapter 10 – Healing and Recovery

I watched him sleep peacefully. He was just like an angel. Nobody thought he was carrying such a trauma, pain and sadness. Last night he finally told me everything. His past. It was hurt, yes, hurts a lot. Thank God, The Sullivans found him, or maybe he found them like William’s said. They saved him, they taught him how to talk again, taught him how to write, taught him the manner, and maybe taught him how to cry again. How you have suffered, Cian. What can I do for you to ease them, Ci? But at least he trusted me now, and that would be much easier to me to help him through the horrible past. I really want to help him, I wanted to see him smile happily, bring back the happy memories with Nicky. Hope I could.

Just the feeling of careness and love, I kissed his forehead. ‘Don’t worry, Ci, you have me now.’ I won’t let anybody hurt you again. Never! I really have loved him. And for the first time since I wrote my last journal, ( I didn’t remember when was it!) I wrote down about Cian. Wrote from the day I met him, and what I feel for him.

The things much better after he told me. His nightmares was lessen. Well I did think, that what he needed to release him from the nightmares; shared with somebody, not taking it alone. And I’m glad I was there. William knew, and he was as glad as I was. He was right, I should wait him till he trust me, then he will tell. And yes it happened. He trusted me.
We were best friend now. Slowly he was more open up then before. He shared Nicky’s letter with me, and made me know everything about Nicky and how much he was meant to Cian. He was Cian’s rock, and I didn’t think Cian would survived if there were no Nicky -not mentioning how he gave Cian to The Sullivan’s, but how Nicky loved and protected him. And how he hated Nicky for leaving him with The Sullivan. How Nicky lied to him that they would be together to England. Live together with The Sullivan’s. But indeed Nicky left him, and decided to stay with ‘Him’. That was the first time Cian ever cried since he shut his voice at 5. He cried for Nicky. Begged for not leaving him. But Nicky has made a great big decision. Let Cian go with them to have a better life. And he has it.
We never mentioned his past again, as we put them behind us. We have to move forward. Those memories would make Cian to be a stronger man to be a better person. I tried to gave him a happy time, made him smile, made him talked to me, and shared everything to me. And I made it. He more cheerful now, and shared everything, even his journal. (well, I wouldn’t tell my journal to anybody, not even to him. Sorry, Ci, but I will keep it in secret) He was still writing his journal. And to my surprise, Cian was writing his sad story, beside his daily journal in this school and me. He writes his full life story. Start from the day he knew about the pain and the beatings. He wrote all the detail of what happened to him, what he’s done to him, even how his father used him as a sexual victim as the changed of his mam, and Nicky didn’t know that. And how Nicky covered him from the beatings. Cian showed all his feeling at back then, the emotion he had to hide from his father. I would never think he would write it down, which he’s still trying to get over it!
“Why you write it, Cian?”
“I don’t know. I just feel like to write it. To let out my feelings. It was something I couldn’t do then. The cried, the screams, the pain, the agony and the heart breaking being denial. I need it for myself; it’s kind of healing for me.”
“Don’t worry it didn’t hurt me much. I tried to fight it by write it down as I couldn’t talk about it. That much hurt than write it down. So, it’s okay for me. Don’t worry, Daniel, I’m fine,” he gave me a little smile
I just nodded. Well maybe he was right. And I was right! Those memories would make him stronger. And I would always there for him
***

A year passed, and the things still fine with us… with him. He was lot much better than the first time I met him. I thanked to God that I could do something for him. Something that changed him to be a happy boy. Something that I wanted to do, to make the person I love happy. Oh, God! I must be lost now! Did I say I love him? Me, love a boy? Me love him? I know what bible say. It’s forbidden love! And what would my mother and father said? Hope they wouldn’t kill me! But yes, I loved him. Something I realised those careness was from the love. I cared of him because I love him. And it was really hurt to see your love suffered. It was hell!! A year ago I was not daring to admit it, but now it’s going much stronger. Stronger as I never felt before. I didn’t care about sin, I just loved him! Much stronger as to see how much he loves his brother. There’s a jealousy inside me. I wanted to be his Nicky, the one he loved. The more he talked about Nicky, the more I wanted to become him. But I knew I couldn’t. There was no-one could replace Nicky. Not even Mrs. Sullivan or William. Nicky was the best. So now, I satisfied enough to be beside him as his friend, and made great days from him. That’s enough for me, and hoping he would feel the same.

Everyday I watched him healing, and going much stronger. And every night I watched him sleep in peace. The sleep would maybe just a dream for him when he was still with ‘him’. And even he saved now, he was still in misery. He missed Nicky so much, and still break down for not seeing him. And that break me down too. How much I want to be his Nicky. For something, he would always be miserable.


Cian’s deep sleep,

“You ready to go, Ci?” Nicky asked him before they go to the port.
Cian nodded with smiled happily.
Nicky couldn’t help his gladness to see Cian this happy. This is it. It’s the day; they were going to leave, moved to England with The Sullivan’s.
He hugged his brother tightly. “I love you, Ci, I love you so much. So whatever I did, it’s for you. You believe me, right?”
Cian just nodded. He believed in Nicky 100% person, and now they were going to leave.
“Don’t worry; everything is going to be alright. Mrs. Sullivan will take care of you.”
Cian nodded again.
Nicky hugged his brother even tighter. ‘I’m sorry, Ci, but believe me I love you so much.’

As they were arrived, on the port, Cian was so mesmerized to see the big ship who will took them to England. He never saw this big ship before, and now they will going with it? Cian smiled happily without letting go Nicky’s hand. He held them tight.
They took one big and luxurious compartment with William, while Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan’s took another just right next door.
“You happy, Cian?” Mrs. Sullivan’s teased him gently.
Cian nodded without letting his brother hand. He looked at Nicky to make sure this wasn’t a dream, and Nicky just nodded with smiling. Then he moved to the circle window and watched the view from there.
Nicky kept looking at his brother with the breakdown, ‘God knows how much I love you, Ci.’
Till they heard they whistle as a signal ship was ready to go. Cian was excited with the view.
“Ci, I wanna go outside for a minute, I want to see from out here.”
Heard that, Cian was tightening his hands.
“No, Ci, you stay here. I won’t long. William gonna be with you, right, Will?” he turned to William.
William just nodded.
“See,” Nicky smiled to made his brother believe. “I swear I won’t go anywhere.”
Cian still held his brother hand, won’t to let go.
“Cian…”
Finally, Cian let Nicky’s hand go.
Nicky smiled gladly, “I’m gonna be out side, okay?”
Cian just nodded.
Nicky turned to William, “Take him care for me, Will.”
William just nodded slightly.
“And thank you very much, William. For everything.”
Again, William just nodded. He didn’t what to say, especially in front of Cian.
Nicky looked his brother once again, and kissed him on forehead before he left. And Cian watched his big brother through out that door.
As Nicky left, William took Cian’s hand and together they looked the view from the window. Cian just smiled.
But it didn’t long. Cian still didn’t believe with Nicky. So he decided to see himself, to see Nicky was still here, even William was insisted him.
And he was glad to see Nicky was with Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan on deck. He was still here.
“See, I told you, Nicky didn’t go anywhere,” William was as glad as Cian, in different reason.
Shyly Cian smiled and let William guided him back to the room. Nicky was still here. That the most important for him.
The whistle heard again for the last call. And Cian was more excited, as he felt the ship was moving, he was going to leave!! He ran outside to see the view with Nicky. But what shocking him, Nicky was not with Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan. Otherwise, they were on deck, waving their hands. Cian went pale. He even paler when he saw Nicky was down there. ‘Nicky isn’t coming with us!!’
Franticly, he ran to find the stairs.
“Cian, where are you going?“ Mr. Sullivan chasse him.
Peter Sullivan held Cian tide. Cian was going to jump up!
“Cian, you can’t go down there. The ship are moving now, we can’t reach the port..
But Cian went hysterical, he was crying. For the first time he cried.
“Cian, honey, Nicky wasn’t leaving you. He want us to take care of you, he want you to come with us,” Mae tried to explained him. “Nicky loves you, honey. He wouldn’t leave you just like that. You will come back here.”
But Cian wouldn’t listen, he still crying and fighting.
Till the officer opened the door to show that ship had gone far from the port.
Cian shocked with the water and the gap between the ship and the port. It hadn’t that far, but he couldn’t to jump up and swim. He couldn’t swim!!!
He could see Nicky was on edge of the port, shaking his head like he wanted say “Don’t jump!”
“TAKE A GOOD CARE, CIAN!!!” Nicky shouted at him. “I’LL WAIT HERE WHEN YOU COME BACK!!! DON’T WORRY, I’M GONNA BE FINE!! YOU GONNA BE FINE, CI!!! I LOVE YOUUUU!!!
And Cian just could cry.
“I LOVE YOU, CIAAANNN!!! DON’T FORGET MEEEEEEEEE!!!”
Cian nodded in cry
“No, Nicky, please don’t leave me… Nicky…Nicky”
I watched him dreaming again. Dreaming about Nicky. Still!!
“Shs… Cian, wake up,” gently I woke him up, before he went hysterical.
“Nicky…NICKY!!!” he shouted as he wake up. Sweat over his head and he breathe heavily. He was always like that.
“Shss, it’s alright, Ci, I’m here…” I’m soothed him, and he went cry.
“He left me, Daniel… he was leaving me!!”
“No he didn’t.”
“Yes he did! And I’m not going to see him again. I’m loosing him,”
“No you’re not, Ci. You know that,” I opened up my arms for a hug and he fell on my shoulder. I hugged him gently rubbed his back.
“I missed him, Daniel. I missed him so much!” he sounded like 10 years boy.
“I know that Cian, and you’ll gonna see him again. I promise that, Cian,”
“You promise?” he sounded not sure.
“Yes, Cian, I promise,” I ensured him.
“Would you accompany me?”
“If you asked me,” I smiled
He smiled and sighed. His cry had stopped.
“Thank you, Daniel.”
I just nodded.
“Now go back to sleep, I’ll be here,” I guided him back to sleep. And he tried to get back to sleep.
I watched him in heart breaking, ‘God, Cian, don’t you know, how hurt this heart to see you this suffer, missing your brother. But it doesn’t worst than to see you can you love me like you love Nicky?’ Can I be your Nicky?

TBC