Fragile Heart Chapter 21 – Face the Fear

Chapter 21 – Face the Fear

I woke up in the morning and saw the sight. Cian was sleeping on Nicky’s lap. Nicky was still sleeping too, and he looked so comfortable with Cian on his arms. It was sure they were so comfort hugging each other. My heart fell with the sight, and I had to take a deep breath to control my feeling.
Just right in time, Nicky was opening his eyes. We were right eyes to eyes. I felt bit uncomfort, as well as him to me find him hugging Cian.
“Ng… I’m sorry; I hope you don’t mind…”
“Of course,” I could only say that, well, what I could I say?
“Don’t have to worry; I won’t take him from you, Daniel. He’s all yours,” he smiled, made me blushed; he knew what I was thinking!
Then he turned to see his brother. Cian was so angelic with his sleeping face. Nicky had to smile. He kissed Cian’s forehead, not attend to wake him up. But he woke.
“D…Daniel…” his little eyes slightly opened.
My heart pounded as heard my name on he’s first calling from sleep.
“No, Cian, it’s me… Nicky,” he sounded jealous.
Cian opened his full eyes, and see Nicky right before his face.
“Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…” Cian went blushed.
Nicky just smiled, “It’s alright, Cian.”
Cian saw me and he realized where he was, still on Nicky’s lap! He rose up immediately as he saw Kate was there too.
“I’m sorry, Kate,” Cian even red.
But she just smiled, “It’s alright, Cian, he is yours too.”
Cian looked at me to see my reaction, and I had to nod; say it was alright, and Cian smiled gladly.

“Are you going to work?” Cian asked Nicky on breakfast
Nicky went silent a while, “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, nothing,” he hesitate to continue.
“What’s wrong, Cian?”
Cian just shook his head
“No, I’m not going to work,” Nicky decided.
Even it confused him, Nicky’s answered made Cian glad.
“I won’t go anywhere, Cian, just in case you will leave again,” Nicky teased him.
Cian blushed, “No, I won’t leave that fast, Nicky. We just met.”
Nicky had to giggled, “Yes, of course. But still I don’t want go anywhere. I just want to spend my day with you.”
Cian let out his big grinned.

So we were staying at home, let the brothers spend they love together. They still missed eachother. And Cian played with his beloved nephew. All I could see was the happiest face on Cian. He looked more relax than yesterday. Yes, of course, Nicky was with him. No one could make Cian happy but Nicky. He was the one who could make Cian smile and happy. I think Cian knew who the one he always love. Nicky. And all I could do just holding my feelings, hold all the jealousy. ‘Please, God, help me, give me strength! Please, let Cian loves me too, and I could still be his Nicky.’

At noon, Cian suddenly asked to go out.

“Can we go to the port?” he asked slightly.
“Sure. What are you gonna see Cian?” Nicky smiled.
“Nothing. I just want to see where I used to work.”
Nicky had to smiled, “Cian, you were only worked one day”
“Yeah, one day, my free day. I could never be so free than that day. I wouldn’t forget that day, Nicky.”
Nicky bit his lips. ‘Of course, he could still remember that day. How Cian was smiling so happily. No beatings, and have his own money. He even bought the book he loved. Yeah, that was the happiest day for him, during the hellish day with ‘him’,
“And I want to meet Mr. Doyle. He had very kind to me then,” Cian smiled with enthusiasm.
But this made Nicky went silent. ‘Yes, Cian hasn’t known yet.’
Nicky took his deep breath, “Cian… Mr Doyle had passed away two years ago.”
This made Cian pale silent.
“I’m sorry, Cian,” Nicky took his hand gently.
“I haven’t say thank you to him.”
“No need to, Ci, he has already known,” Nicky gave a warm smiled.
Cian was still in silent.
“Can we go to his grave?”
“Sure, Cian, I’ll take you there.”
Cian finnaly smile slightly.

No need to be asked, I was coming with him. We went to the cemetery, to visit Mr. Doyle.

As we arrived Cian was standing beside Mr. Doyle’s grave. He talked something to him. I just smiled watching him so respectful to the people who used to love him. I knew now, Cian was the person who will never forget to the people who loved him. He had showed it to Mr. and Mrs. Sullivan, Mrs. Tuck, and now Mr. Doyle. ‘How lovely person you are, Ci. I love you even more.’

I looked around, and suddenly my eyes cought to the strange feeling of one grave right behind me. Something told me, that this one was from Cian’s past. I read the name, and it shocked me, ‘Jack Fiennes’. Could this be ‘him’, the bastard who made Cian’s life like hell? I hope he wasn’t. I tried to ignor it. But before I turned away, Cian caught me up. He looked to Nicky who had already silent.
Without a word, Cian went to ‘him’, and found where ‘he’s laying. And he froze. Jack Fiennes was laying right beside Patricia Fiennes, his mother. Mother he never visited as ‘he’ never let him out.
I rushed to him and held his hand gently. I knew, Cian was not ready for this. He was not ready to meet ‘him’, even only his grave.
“’He’s here Daniel,”
“Yes, Ci. But we can go, if you feel not ready yet.”
Nicky looked worried too. But, Cian didn’t move from where he stood. And he was cry slightly.
“Cian…”
“No, Daniel, I’m alright. It’s just little bit shocked,” he took his breath for controlling his feeling.
Nicky even couldn’t say anything. He didn’t mean to take Cian to ‘him’, he was quite sure; Cian was not ready yet to meet him.
“I’m sorry, Cian, I shouldn’t take you here.”
“No. I’m fine Nicky. It just little bit strange to meet ‘him’ again, even only ‘his’ name, and mam.”
“I know.”
“It’s so strange, Nicky. I missed ‘him’, but I’m scared to meet him again. And yet, there’s a big relieved I don’t have to meet ‘him’ again. And I’m not sure ‘he was willing to meet me again.”
“Yes, he was, Cian… Do you know what he always said before he gone?”
Cian shooked his head slightly
“He said; ‘I want to see my little man home’. He really wanted to see you, and wanted to give you a kiss. He wished one kiss would ease all mistakes he’s done to you.”
Cian went silent.
“Did ‘he’ ever say that he loves me?”
“Well, maybe ‘he’s never telling it, but I knew he loves you, Ci, even he didn’t know how to show it.”
“Yes, I could understand that. And I feel I love him too,” as he turned to me and smiled. I smiled too.
Cian took a deep breath, and then looked at me.
“Can we go now?” he asked slightly
I nodded, “Sure,” I knew Cian was still not ready to meet him. Maybe later. I looked to Nicky and he nodded too.
“Yeah, sure.” Nicky sighed, “Would you like too meet Mrs. Doyle?” he tried to change the subject.
He smiled, “Yes, of course.”
Nicky just nodded and led the way. As we walked, Cian held my hand tightly. I felt his nervous and I just could hold him warmly to give a comfort.

So we met Mrs. Doyle. She was a fine lady. Very kind and very clear how much she loved Nicky. She was surprised with Cian’s coming. She knew Nicky had waited for him for a long time, and she could feel how happy Nicky’s now, and no doubt, she was delighted too. She just wished his husband were there with them to see Cian’s now. The poor little boy had taken a lot his attention. But maybe he watched him too with happy smile.
We spent time there till evening, and as we came back, Kate was preparing our dinner.

We ate together like a happy family. And I thought we were gonna have a chat after diner, but I saw Cian looked tired. Well, today had taken a lot his energy, physically and mentally. Yes, he’s tired with those.

“Wanna go bed early?” I asked him carefully
But he bit his lips, and took a sigh to the attic. So clear the fearness and the trauma came back through his eyes. I realized he hadn’t gone upstairs since his arriving.
“You don’t have to sleep there, Cian,” I said slightly, and looked to Nicky.
“Yea, Ci, you could sleep here, on the coach, like we were last night,” Nicky tried to cheer the air.
Cian gulped, then smiled, “No, thank you. Upstairs fine to me,” he sounded like battling with something.
Well, I was not sure. “Cian…”
But Cian took my hand, “Lead me there, Daniel.”
I just sighed and nodded.
“Excuse us,” Cian said politely.
Nicky and Kate just nodded.
I led him upstairs. He took a very slowy step and very nervous. He didn’t let off my hand, and even tighter, as we were arrived.
And yes he had to hold his breath and fought his feeling. He was battling with the air of agony which was still strong.
“I’m here,” I was ready for his collapsed.
But he hanged there.
He approached the bed and sat in it.
“I laid here, Daniel, everynight with painfully,” his voice was so small.
“I know, Ci,” kept held him.
“Curled ball, tried to ease the pain. Tried to sleep, tried not to cry. “
“I know, Ci,” held my breath. I didn’t want to hear this.
But he kept continue, “It was so hard then, Daniel. But I had too, or another beating would come. And I did it. And Nicky would wrapped me, took me to the safetiest place,” he smiled bitterly.
“Yes, I know,” I held him tight. “You don’t have to sleep here, Ci,” I insisted. I didn’t want to get him much hurt.
“It’s okay, Daniel. I’ll be fine. You’ll be here right?”
“Of course.”
“Then I would be fine,” he then tried to laid his body on the bed, and he had had to held his breath. He took a very deep breath, controlling his feelings.
“Lay with me, Daniel. Hold me, so I won’t get any bad dreams”
I nodded and laid my body beside him. Pulled him in my arms and hugged him, took him too the safetiest place,
“I’m here, Ci, you won’t get any bad dream,” I pulled him even tighter, and he pushed himself to me. I smiled in relieved. I still had him. It was so good to have him like this. I kissed his forehead, then tried to sleep myself, hoping Cian would still have a room for me. That was all I need.

TBC