Fragile Heart Chapter 22 – His Letters

Chapter 22 – His Letters

I heard a whimper and moan beneath me, ‘Nicky..’ A cried bitterly. I woke up instantly. I expected to find Cian in a bad dream. But no, he was still sleeping in my arms, so peacefully. Yet, he was smiling too.
I bite lips to wait what happened, but yes, Cian was still in deep sleep. He didn’t cry, and didn’t moan. He slept in peace. I got confused. But it relieved me, Cian wasn’t in bad dream, in fact, it was me who got one! I was too freaked out him to get hurt again.
I sighed myself then looked at him. He was so beautiful, so right for me. How could I live without him.
I kissed him, “Please, Cian, don’t dumped me.”
As I watched him, I heard something from downstair. I looked down, and there’s Nicky was sitting on his couch enjoying his cigarette. For something I felt myself thirsty. Probably from my dream. I looked Cian who was still sleeping then deciced to get down.

“Hello,” I greeted him as I got down.
He turned to me and looked surprised, “Oh, hello,” and turned off his cigarret. “I’m sorry.”
I just smiled. “It’s alright.”
“I thought it was Cian. You know I couldn’t smoke when he’s arround.”
“Yea,” I remembered with the burnt marks over Cian’s body.
“I just knew what ‘he’s’ done to him from his books. I would never know if he never wrote it.”
“Yes, he wrote everything he couldn’t tell then.”
“Yes, I know. Cigarr?” he offered me one.
“No, thank you, I don’t smoke.”
“Oh, sorry. This one I’m trying to stop,” he smiled discomfort.
I just smiled. Then we were trapped like a stranger. I took some water and drank it slowly.
“I want to say thank you for accompanying him.”
“It was nothing,” I replied. “I had promises him to go where ever he goes. “
And he looked at me, till I got irittated.
“I love him very much, Nicky,” I had to straight away.
And he smiled, “I know that, it’s so clear.”
“I’m sorry,” I felt bad with him.
“For what? For loving him?”
I had to nod. “You know what bible said.”
“Yes, I know. But it was nothing if that love makes my brother happy. I dearly love him, you know?”
“Yes, of course I know. And he loves you too,” I let down my head to realized, I couldn’t compare him.
He just nodded. “But he loves you most.”
I had to raise my head. Unbelievable for what he said.
“No, I couldn’t take his heart while he still got you. You are his only love,” I couldn’t hide my sad face. So childish!
But he laughed. Not loudly, but enough to surprised me.
“Wanna bet, you already took it from the time you met him. I got myself jealous when found it.”
I bit my lips. “But still, you’re the most he loves. I took a tiny room on him, while you got the rest.”
He went silent within looked at me.
“And how’s your feel about that?”
“Kind a bit hurt, and desperate,” I said slighlty ‘fuck, why should I have this honest!’ Well, I realy couldn’t hide my feelings!
He then rose from his sit, and got to the drawer. He took a black box from it, then back to me.
He handed me, and I took it.
When I opened it, I shocked with what on in. Letters.
“Yes, it was Cian’s letters. Read it, and you will know where you are,” with smiled.
I took it and looked them. Yes, it’s from Cian addressed to Nicky.
“You kept them all?”
“Yea, from the first time he sent me one, till his last letter a year ago,” he smiled proudly.
Yea, Cian sent his last letter last year, when he finally gave up Nicky didn’t reply back.
I hesistated to read them. This belong to Nicky’s, not mine. I wouldn’t cross the line.
“Read them,” Nicky still insisted me.
Still in hesitate, I opened one of them.
“Oh, try with when he first time met you, I don’t quite remember when it was, but I think it’s seven years ago, try on October 1910. Try with that.”
Right away I searched the letter by that date, and I found it.
And with heart beating I opened it and started to read it.

October 20th 1910
Dear Nicky, it’s good to have your letter and to know you were alright. I’m fine here, don’t worry about me. It’s been a good day since I arrived here. Still bit strange for me, even this is what I’m dreaming of. Finally I go to school. I’m going to learn everything. It’s so fastinating. I wished you could be here with me, Nicky, I wished you were here. I feel so lonely. But grateful, I have a nice room mate. His name is Adams, Daniel Adams. He’s good lad, though I made a bad first night. I woke him up with my nightmare. It’s still there, Nicky, it’s still haunted me. But he was there. Daniel was there. Even he was scared too, but he was there for me. He comforted me, he hugged me, took me to the safeties palace, just like the way you used to do. I felt like I’m still having you. And I felt something about him, something I didn’t feel with you or with William. Something I couldn’t tell. My heart always beats so fast whenever I’m near him, and I couldn’t even talk whenever I’m with him. Could you tell me what is it, Nicky?
Love Cian xxx

My heart a bit pounded, then I moved to the next one. It was a few months later.

Dear, Nicky. I told him. I told my past. It was my fault. I woke him up with my nighmares. I couldn’t help it, Nicky, I’m sorry, and I told him everything. But I felt something different. For the first time I have no doubt telling my stories to somebody. And he promises to take care of me, that no one could ever hurt me again. He would protect me, and I feel so safe witn him. I’m sorry, Nicky, but I think I like him.
Nicky, can I love him?
Love Cian xxx

My heart became even pounding, beat very fast!
I moved to the next letter and next letter, it was talked about me. I never thought he would talk about me like this as he always talked about Nicky! I was so flatered. He had loved me from the first time we met!
Till I read one letter that got me cleary how he felt about me;


April, 29th 1914
…… So many nights I’d sit by my window, waiting for someone to sing me his song. So many dreams I kept deep insid me Alone in the dark but now. He've come along
He light up my life, he give me hope, to carry on. You light up my days and fill my nights with song
Rollin' at sea, adrift on the water. Could it be finally I'm turning for home? Finally, a chance to say hey, I love you. Never again to be all alone
I’m sorry, Nicky, I know what bible said, but it can't be wrong when it feels so right, ‘cause he light up my life. He got my whole life. He got my everything. I’m sorry Nicky, but he completed me. I love him.

I closed his letter and felt my own tears. He loved me that much.
“And with that letter, I decided to moved back,” Nicky’s voices brought me to reality. “There was nothing I should worry about. He got a nice family, a nice carrier, and the most he got something he loved and loved him. So many people who loved him and would take him care. He would fine. That’s why I stopped sending the letter.”
“But he loves you so much, he told me that everyday. He couldn’t lose you.”
“Daniel, there’s something you should know and understand, that a love for your brother is totally different to love for your soulmate. And he knows that. So he still loves me so much, but he has someone he loves most. You. Don’t doub’t his feelings. He’s tottaly yours.”
I looked at him with ashamed and fool inside, “I’m sorry, Nicky, I didn’t mean to doubt him, I just…”
“Yes, I know, Daniel, you are afraid of losing him, and I could understand that. It showed how much you love him, and I’m glad he found someone who really love him with unconditionall. Don’t worry, Daniel, you still the first one on his heart.”
I had to smile with a shame. Yes, I shouldn’t doubt Cian’s feeling. He really loved me.
“Nicky, thank you. Cian is right you are a million brother, I feel like have my own brother.”
He smiled, “Hey, let’s say, since you love my lit. brother, I’ve become your brother, that if you don’t mind having a poor brother like me,” he giggled.
“No, you are rich brother, Nicky, with your love and careness, you are very rich. No wonder Cian loves you so much.”
Nicky had to smiled, “Thank you very much.”
I sighed in relieved.
“Just take care my brother, Daniel, he is my precious thing.”
I smiled, “Well, you are the tenth person who made me promised that.”
“What? Who’s the others?”
“The Sullivans; Mr. and Mrs Sullivan, and his seven brothers.”
Nicky had to laugh. “Well, everyone loves Cian, he is so loveable, isn’t he?”
“Yes, he is,” with no doubt at all.
“Well, I heard you are a great lad, and that’s right. I trust in you, _” he didn’t finished his word as we heard a little shouted from up there.
“Daniel? DANIEL!?”
Without second thought I put down my glass and rushed upstair to found Cian was awake with terifed eyes and pale.
He bursted into me and hugged me tight
“I’m here, Ci,” I hugged him.
“Where were you?” he sounded like a little child.
“I just take a drink,” fast answered. “You got bad dream again?”
“No. It just so scared to wake up and not finding you here beside me. I thought I was losing you, Daniel.”
“No, Cian. You are not losing me, I didn’t go anywhere,” I comforted him.
“Please don’t leave me, Daniel, don’t leave me like he did,” the hug even tighted. You promised me.”
“Shss… it’s alright, I won’t going anywhere, Ci, I’m always with you, I promise,” I kept soothing him, and he felt relax then fell back to sleep in my arms.
I turned around and surprised to find Nicky was there, at the edge of the stairs, watched his brother. His face fell, I believed he heard what Cian said, and it hurt him. Cian even didn’t notice Nicky was there.
But he nodded and smiled to see me with Cian, and he deciced to move back.
I sighed and put Cian’s head on the pillow with not losing the hug. I wrapped him up, and he cuddled in my chest. Even in his sleep he still held me tide like he won’t to let go. This was so relieved me, and made everything clear and sure, that I shouldn’t have doubt his feelings. Cian loved me verymuch without any position. There was plenty room for me.
“Thank you, Cian. I love you, and I promised I won’t let you go for any reason,” I kissed his forehead.

TBC